Sweet Musings with a Bitterly Sharp Wit

Weaponized Watermelon


I hit a man with a watermelon today.

Swinging like a pendulum from the shopping bag slung low on my shoulder, it connected solidly with his knee, startling a low grunt of discomfort from deep within his subconscious. Too embarrassed to make proper eye contact, I can’t say for certain whether he was in genuine pain or just surprised by the melon’s breach of personal space, but I felt the acute pain of social misconduct.

“So-orry!” The words tumbled out as awkwardly as my unstable footing, lurching forward unsteadily as the bus accelerated at random, up and down the precipitous hills of San Francisco. Still wrestling to gain full control of the wayward watermelon, the weight of it grew more burdensome with every passing city block, threatening to rip lose from the threadbare gussets already straining to contain its girth. Soon it began lashing out at other innocent bystanders, swinging wildly like a mace, threatening to enter full wrecking ball mode if only it could work up the momentum.

Even after muscling into a vacant seat, wedging the bag firmly between my feet, the little round demon still rolled about with abandon, seeking a quick getaway. Clearly, it had dreams of flying freely across the floor, bowling down anything in its path. Fighting for its life as though it understood the fate that lay ahead, it was as inconsolable as it was uncontrollable.

Mercifully, before the melon could detonate in an explosive, sticky blowout or cause further bodily harm, the doors swung open to the sweltering street, dumping us unceremoniously at our destination. Though the encounter may not have ended well for that innocent man on the receiving end of my watermelon’s wrath, his pain was not in vain; successfully taming the beast was a sweet relief, indeed.


Author: Hannah (BitterSweet)

Author of My Sweet Vegan, Vegan Desserts, Vegan a la Mode, and Easy as Vegan Pie.

14 thoughts on “Weaponized Watermelon

  1. for those that don’t know about the BART (isiti still called that?), the buses in SF can be exciting from stop and go traffic.
    one time I was visiting SF with my best friend, heavy ass 35mm camera in tow as a tourist would. I gave my friend the only seat available as I stood holding a bar. suddenly the bus decided to not hit a pedestrian or another vehicle, me and my camera went flying forward about 5 feet, my camera hit a girl passenger in the face! I apologized profusely, and she told me that it happens all the time, not the camera in the face, but the flying and toppling of people.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh yes, it’s still the good old BART, and for all its flaws, the public transportation system in San Francisco is one of the best in the US, hands down. The most remarkable part of your story is the fact that the driver chose to avoid a horrific accident, honestly. Happens all the time, and we love to blame the pedestrian/biker/driver no matter what… Thank goodness your fellow passenger was so understanding.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I have been looking forward to reading your latest creation and I wasn’t disappointed!
    Very entertaining and an easy read.
    Keep them coming please!
    May I send you a poem of mine?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ahaha! Ooooh, dear. What a wild ride! Thanks for sharing this. That was an amusing read. I lovelovelove your writing–whether it’s a recipe or about taming an unruly watermelon. Be safe around wild produce on the bus, you and all! :D

    Liked by 2 people

  4. What a different post this would have been if you were at the receiving end of a mischievous melon.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Vegan attack method: use a watermelon. :-) Good thing it didn’t get rolling down a SF hill with you in pursuit!!


    Liked by 3 people

  6. You’re too cute Hannah. I can so picture that whole scene going down :)

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Funny! I love the title, too :)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. ooh, this makes me giggle! :)


  9. Lol great description!!


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