Weaponized Watermelon

I hit a man with a watermelon today.

Swinging like a pendulum from the shopping bag slung low on my shoulder, it connected solidly with his knee, startling a low grunt of discomfort from deep within his subconscious. Too embarrassed to make proper eye contact, I can’t say for certain whether he was in genuine pain or just surprised by the melon’s breach of personal space, but I felt the acute pain of social misconduct.

“So-orry!” The words tumbled out as awkwardly as my unstable footing, lurching forward unsteadily as the bus accelerated at random, up and down the precipitous hills of San Francisco. Still wrestling to gain full control of the wayward watermelon, the weight of it grew more burdensome with every passing city block, threatening to rip lose from the threadbare gussets already straining to contain its girth. Soon it began lashing out at other innocent bystanders, swinging wildly like a mace, threatening to enter full wrecking ball mode if only it could work up the momentum.

Even after muscling into a vacant seat, wedging the bag firmly between my feet, the little round demon still rolled about with abandon, seeking a quick getaway. Clearly, it had dreams of flying freely across the floor, bowling down anything in its path. Fighting for its life as though it understood the fate that lay ahead, it was as inconsolable as it was uncontrollable.

Mercifully, before the melon could detonate in an explosive, sticky blowout or cause further bodily harm, the doors swung open to the sweltering street, dumping us unceremoniously at our destination. Though the encounter may not have ended well for that innocent man on the receiving end of my watermelon’s wrath, his pain was not in vain; successfully taming the beast was a sweet relief, indeed.

14 thoughts on “Weaponized Watermelon

  1. for those that don’t know about the BART (isiti still called that?), the buses in SF can be exciting from stop and go traffic.
    one time I was visiting SF with my best friend, heavy ass 35mm camera in tow as a tourist would. I gave my friend the only seat available as I stood holding a bar. suddenly the bus decided to not hit a pedestrian or another vehicle, me and my camera went flying forward about 5 feet, my camera hit a girl passenger in the face! I apologized profusely, and she told me that it happens all the time, not the camera in the face, but the flying and toppling of people.

    1. Oh yes, it’s still the good old BART, and for all its flaws, the public transportation system in San Francisco is one of the best in the US, hands down. The most remarkable part of your story is the fact that the driver chose to avoid a horrific accident, honestly. Happens all the time, and we love to blame the pedestrian/biker/driver no matter what… Thank goodness your fellow passenger was so understanding.

  2. I have been looking forward to reading your latest creation and I wasn’t disappointed!
    Very entertaining and an easy read.
    Keep them coming please!
    May I send you a poem of mine?

    1. Thank you! Writing is still not my strong suit, but I truly appreciate the encouragement, and will keep up the effort as long as you enjoy reading it! :) I’m always happy to hear from you.

  3. Ahaha! Ooooh, dear. What a wild ride! Thanks for sharing this. That was an amusing read. I lovelovelove your writing–whether it’s a recipe or about taming an unruly watermelon. Be safe around wild produce on the bus, you and all! :D

    1. You are too kind! It’s been difficult to flip the script, pushing myself to delve more into writing rather than retreating to pure visuals for “silent Sunday,” so that really means a lot to me.

    1. Lol! This could also be something useful to teach in self defense classes- ‘How to defend yourself at the grocery store’ hehehehe ;)

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