Roach Motel

Moving out of my apartment and into a home has been the best thing I’ve ever done. After 2 1/2 years of playing house, it truly feels like my sanctuary. The backyard erupts with wildflowers and untamable sage every summer, drawing butterflies in the day and fireflies at night. The rooms have graciously accommodated my belongings, new and old, never becoming cramped, despite my proclivity for collecting dishes and plates. It has its flaws and quirks, but don’t we all? In my eyes, it’s perfect. Well… Almost perfect.

Compared to the “visitors” I’ve experienced in previous abodes, the occasional intrusion of insects is barely worth mentioning. We all live in the same world out there, seeking shelter, and I’m quite flattered that they find mine every bit as appealing. I do my best to usher out the flies and roly-polies, while I’ll always welcome my helpful little spiders, keeping the corners clear of smaller prey. It’s the cockroaches that make my heart stop.

Scuttling about at the break of dawn like shadows urgently escaping the light’s glare, I’d almost prefer not to cross their paths, merely accepting their unseen presence. It’s when they get a bit too comfortable and stick around that we have trouble.

I know full well that after humans are gone, cockroaches will remain. These creatures are far stronger than me so I try to avoid a fight. Unfortunately, they’ve mistaken my peaceful disposition as an open invitation, multiplying with a speed that could put rabbits to shame. One begets two, two become ten, ten….

My home is still my safe space. It’s simply theirs now, too.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)2 Comments

Horrors D’Oeuvres

The only thing scarier than a late-night dinner party with people you don’t know is a late-night dinner party with people you don’t know and no snacks.

Thirty minutes have passed, awkwardly idling around the periphery of the room, surreptitiously searching for a table of small bites, to no avail. It’s already past the usual dinner hour and you swear you can hear your stomach growling louder than the low din of the crowd. No on else seems troubled, though. Are the other guests not suffering from the same hunger? Could it be that they’ve already fed, on something more nefarious than cheese and crackers? It’s best not to ask.

Contemplating a silent escape back out into the darkness, a platter materializes from the shadows. It arrives almost as if summoned, carried through the room by an unseen hand. No one else seems to notice, but the time for restraint has long passed. If you have to take the first, and at this rate, the last bite, so be it. Every passing minute without food feels like another minute closer to death.

Looking down at the bruschetta perched atop a stiff napkin, perhaps its already too late. Luminous like an apparition against the backdrop of jet-black beluga lentils, those thick slabs of feta look otherworldly. Are those cavernous eyes peering back at you? A gaping, cavernous mouth screaming out in the void?

No, get a grip, you’re just hungry. Best to graciously accept and eat your appetizer and stop overthinking. It’s not the raucous Halloween party you expected, though you have to say, it’s surprisingly spirited nonetheless.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)5 Comments

Be Afraid, Be Veggie Afraid

One of the many great side benefits of being vegan is that you never need to worry about inadvertently chomping down on a random bone fragment. There’s no risk of a poorly prepared fish fillet sending you to the dentist and all wings are boneless by default. Gone is the mysterious crunch that makes you question every life choice that led you to this particular meal.

Bone-Headed Ideas

Naturally, I’m just the kind of crazy to add extra bones back in. Marinated mushroom skulls are admittedly more cute than creepy, with wide-set eyes and toothy grins, charmingly cartoonish in an undead kind of way. They have a certain cheerful morbidity to them, which feels about right for Halloween.

Out Of My Skull

It turns out, white button mushrooms are just the right shape and size to transform into tiny skulls. A few strategic cuts create the eyes and nose, while a few lines through the stem do a surprisingly convincing job of suggesting little rows of rotten teeth. From there, all it takes is a leisurely bath in a punchy marinade for them to haunt your waking dreams. Umami, tangy, garlicky, and herbaceous enough to wake the dead, they really are scary good.

Proper Resting Places

Marinated mushrooms are infinitely useful for any event. Bury them in a graveyard of salad greens or sink them into a pit of hummus, ideally blended with blood-red beets, for maximum effect. They’d also be right at home on an antipasto platter, scattered over crostini, or passed around on toothpicks as a grim appetizer. Don’t forget about gnarled noodles splattered with red sauce, too.

It takes just a little extra effort to give the classic marinated mushroom a more festive face, but I promise, you’ll reap the rewards.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)5 Comments

In Good Hands

Can vegans be cannibals? I think so. It’s not a question about flesh so much as it is ethics. Is there an ethical way to eat a human? Sure; humans can consent. Thus, theoretically, if a person said, “yes, please, you can eat my hand,” that hand is now vegan.

Don’t act like you’re shocked now. I’ve already relished meaty slices of feet, a bloody heart pulsing with flavor, and thick schmears of brain on toast. If anything, I think we have a strong moral imperative to eat our fellow human, considering how wasteful it is to let otherwise good meat rot in the ground, to say nothing of the environmental impacts. If they’ve lived a long life, I’m sure they would want us to honor that time on Earth by nourishing others.

Honestly, finding donors isn’t hard at all. You’d be amazed what people agree to everyday without reading the fine print. Every time you click “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions,” you’re basically one digital signature away from surrendering an appendage. In fact, it may already be too late…

Relax, you can keep your fingers this time. When I ask for a hand in the kitchen this Halloween, it’ll be to help arrange crackers around my Severed Hand Charcuterie. The horror is strictly skin deep; beneath the macabre exterior is a rich, creamy cheese ball loaded with smoky vegan bacon, pimentos, and a generous crack of black pepper. Salty ribbons of vegan prosciutto add another savory layer while giving the illusion of exposed muscle tissue, and sliced almond fingernails provide a subtle crunch, with a perfect manicure.

Since the presentation is the real feature here, I took a shortcut by using store-bought vegan cream cheese for the base. If you want to start from scratch, knock yourself out! You can also use any recipe for a vegan cheese ball instead; just make sure you end up with at least two cups of some soft vegan cheese material or else you’ll have to make a tiny baby hand. Conversely, if you’d like to make it even easier, you can snag some packaged vegan prosciutto, or any comparable cold cuts, shredded into strips.

No matter how you feel about eating animals, or humans, you’ll want to take a big slice out of this one.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)3 Comments

Spaghetti Western

Mention “green spaghetti” in passing, and I’d wager that that vast majority of people would immediately think of pesto. That was certainly my first, second, and last thought too, before I moved to Texas. Here, and especially in the southernmost part of the state, right alongside the border of Mexico, it’s something else entirely. Espagueti verde, a uniquely Tex-Mex invention, is slowly gaining traction farther afield.

Born From BBQ

My first exposure was probably the same as most outsiders, through the feverish praise bestowed on Lockwood’s own James Beard semifinalist and one of New York Times’ best restaurants of 2024, Barbs B Q. No, nothing is remotely vegan, including and especially the green “spaghett,” so you don’t need to stress over standing in that perpetual line. As a dish of legend and lore, its influence has outgrown the humble lunch counters and potlucks that once contained it.

Easy Being Green

Impossible to miss cloaked in an arresting green cream sauce, roasted poblanos and fresh cilantro are responsible for both the flavor and the name, with a touch of spinach thrown in for extra vibrancy. Some describe it as a smooth salsa verde alfredo, but that’s really selling it short. The charred edge from the peppers lends a subtle smokiness with a buttery, velvety depth from the supple flesh itself. The topping of vegan cheese is honestly superfluous, but it does make for a pretty picture.

Truly Awesome Sauce

You might have noticed that I used bucatini instead of spaghetti in my version. Why? Because bucatini is simply the superior noodle, that’s why. You can use absolutely any pasta shape you have in the pantry, be it long or short, thick or thin. The sauce is generous enough to coat whatever you throw at it, and nobody’s meemaw is going to materialize in your kitchen to issue a citation for improper noodle selection. For that matter, you could use it to smother baked tofu, creamed corn, roasted cauliflower, or grilled summer squash. Green Spaghetti is supposed to be a side dish, but with that sauce on the plate, it’ll upstage any entree.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)7 Comments