Anything But Garden Variety

Don’t be misled by the title; there’s nothing mundane about Garden Variety by Timothy Pakron. A work of inordinate beauty, it reads as both a manifesto for home gardeners and a passionate love letter to vegetables the world over. Author of the acclaimed Mississippi Vegan cookbook and eponymous blog that started it all, Mr. Pakron has already proven his prowess in the field, both figuratively and literally.

Written with poetic flair that remains fittingly down to earth, I was already hooked by the first page. It’s clear that this book is deeply personal, the product of a life’s worth of memories, aspirations, and inspirations set to print. Presented at a time when it’s all too tempting to click “skip to recipe,” it’s the complete package, the whole story, that brings me back to this text time and again. Aside from the incredibly detailed explanation of ingredients and tips for making the most of the book, you would be missing the point to head straight to the recipe sections. Flipping past the introductory pages would be like reading only the final pages of a novel; you’ll get the point, but none of the context, character, and meaning that makes it worth reading.

Beluga Lentil Nachos

Many recipes call for components found elsewhere in the book, such as the Tahini Cheese Sauce (page 89) that makes Beluga Lentil Nachos (page 210) possible. Rather than feeling cumbersome, it feels like a satisfying way to connect the dots between ideas. Nothing exists in a vacuum, after all. Recipes build upon one another in much the same way that the garden itself does, with one harvest feeding into the next. For the same reason you would plant the three sisters (corn, beans, and squash) together, each contributes something the others need. Each component is a building block that becomes more compelling as part of a larger whole. Besides, there’s no reason not to have an easy vegan cheese sauce on hand at all time to make nachos, and more, at will.

Citrusy Beets

Plated with a chef’s eye, dishes like Citrusy Beets (page 271), look fancy, but in fact celebrate simplicity. By merely letting fresh ingredients shine, they’re naturally beautiful. Simmered directly in orange juice with plenty of zest, the citrus permeates all the way to their very core rather than simply dressing them from the outside. As they cook, they become almost buttery and impossibly tender, taking on the bright, fragrant character of the orange while retaining their deep, earthy sweetness. It’s a simple technique with a big payoff.

Okra Eggplant Étouffée

The author’s southern roots come to the surface on dishes like Okra Eggplant Étouffée (page 244), transposing shrimp and crayfish so seamlessly that it’s hard to imagine the dish was ever built differently. Despite being daunting at a glance, especially for someone inexperienced with proper Creole and Cajun cooking, the procedure unfolds easily once the spices are assembled and vegetables cut. Roasting the eggplant separately keeps it intact in the stew yet velvety on the inside, giving the edges a slightly smoky char at the same time. Having a giant pot of this stew that’s layered with such complex flavor and fluffy rice to serve with it, I feel truly rich. If there’s only one recipe you make, though that would be a terribly shortsighted thing to do, it should be this one.

Timothy Pakron

I also appreciate how there’s a section on sourdough, specifically, highlighting that fact that wild yeast is something you can grow and cultivate, too. It’s one of many details that makes Garden Variety feel like a book meant to be lived with, read cover to cover, and even kept as a coffee table art book if you should so desire. The photography is equally integral to the experience, with every page offering a breathtaking glimpse into a more holistic world to inhabit, where growing, gathering, cooking, and eating all feel like parts of the same interconnected experience, at least for a little while.

Garden Variety is a vegan cookbook that doesn’t need to broadcast the message. Its argument is intrinsic, made through abundance and the genuinely joyful sharing of food. There are no allusions to imitating or replacing meat and none are need to make the point. You don’t have to be a vegetable-lover to appreciate Garden Variety, but you will be by the time you’re through.

Roach Motel

Moving out of my apartment and into a home has been the best thing I’ve ever done. After 2 1/2 years of playing house, it truly feels like my sanctuary. The backyard erupts with wildflowers and untamable sage every summer, drawing butterflies in the day and fireflies at night. The rooms have graciously accommodated my belongings, new and old, never becoming cramped, despite my proclivity for collecting dishes and plates. It has its flaws and quirks, but don’t we all? In my eyes, it’s perfect. Well… Almost perfect.

Compared to the “visitors” I’ve experienced in previous abodes, the occasional intrusion of insects is barely worth mentioning. We all live in the same world out there, seeking shelter, and I’m quite flattered that they find mine every bit as appealing. I do my best to usher out the flies and roly-polies, while I’ll always welcome my helpful little spiders, keeping the corners clear of smaller prey. It’s the cockroaches that make my heart stop.

Scuttling about at the break of dawn like shadows urgently escaping the light’s glare, I’d almost prefer not to cross their paths, merely accepting their unseen presence. It’s when they get a bit too comfortable and stick around that we have trouble.

I know full well that after humans are gone, cockroaches will remain. These creatures are far stronger than me so I try to avoid a fight. Unfortunately, they’ve mistaken my peaceful disposition as an open invitation, multiplying with a speed that could put rabbits to shame. One begets two, two become ten, ten….

My home is still my safe space. It’s simply theirs now, too.

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Horrors D’Oeuvres

The only thing scarier than a late-night dinner party with people you don’t know is a late-night dinner party with people you don’t know and no snacks.

Thirty minutes have passed, awkwardly idling around the periphery of the room, surreptitiously searching for a table of small bites, to no avail. It’s already past the usual dinner hour and you swear you can hear your stomach growling louder than the low din of the crowd. No on else seems troubled, though. Are the other guests not suffering from the same hunger? Could it be that they’ve already fed, on something more nefarious than cheese and crackers? It’s best not to ask.

Contemplating a silent escape back out into the darkness, a platter materializes from the shadows. It arrives almost as if summoned, carried through the room by an unseen hand. No one else seems to notice, but the time for restraint has long passed. If you have to take the first, and at this rate, the last bite, so be it. Every passing minute without food feels like another minute closer to death.

Looking down at the bruschetta perched atop a stiff napkin, perhaps its already too late. Luminous like an apparition against the backdrop of jet-black beluga lentils, those thick slabs of feta look otherworldly. Are those cavernous eyes peering back at you? A gaping, cavernous mouth screaming out in the void?

No, get a grip, you’re just hungry. Best to graciously accept and eat your appetizer and stop overthinking. It’s not the raucous Halloween party you expected, though you have to say, it’s surprisingly spirited nonetheless.

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Be Afraid, Be Veggie Afraid

One of the many great side benefits of being vegan is that you never need to worry about inadvertently chomping down on a random bone fragment. There’s no risk of a poorly prepared fish fillet sending you to the dentist and all wings are boneless by default. Gone is the mysterious crunch that makes you question every life choice that led you to this particular meal.

Bone-Headed Ideas

Naturally, I’m just the kind of crazy to add extra bones back in. Marinated mushroom skulls are admittedly more cute than creepy, with wide-set eyes and toothy grins, charmingly cartoonish in an undead kind of way. They have a certain cheerful morbidity to them, which feels about right for Halloween.

Out Of My Skull

It turns out, white button mushrooms are just the right shape and size to transform into tiny skulls. A few strategic cuts create the eyes and nose, while a few lines through the stem do a surprisingly convincing job of suggesting little rows of rotten teeth. From there, all it takes is a leisurely bath in a punchy marinade for them to haunt your waking dreams. Umami, tangy, garlicky, and herbaceous enough to wake the dead, they really are scary good.

Proper Resting Places

Marinated mushrooms are infinitely useful for any event. Bury them in a graveyard of salad greens or sink them into a pit of hummus, ideally blended with blood-red beets, for maximum effect. They’d also be right at home on an antipasto platter, scattered over crostini, or passed around on toothpicks as a grim appetizer. Don’t forget about gnarled noodles splattered with red sauce, too.

It takes just a little extra effort to give the classic marinated mushroom a more festive face, but I promise, you’ll reap the rewards.

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In Good Hands

Can vegans be cannibals? I think so. It’s not a question about flesh so much as it is ethics. Is there an ethical way to eat a human? Sure; humans can consent. Thus, theoretically, if a person said, “yes, please, you can eat my hand,” that hand is now vegan.

Don’t act like you’re shocked now. I’ve already relished meaty slices of feet, a bloody heart pulsing with flavor, and thick schmears of brain on toast. If anything, I think we have a strong moral imperative to eat our fellow human, considering how wasteful it is to let otherwise good meat rot in the ground, to say nothing of the environmental impacts. If they’ve lived a long life, I’m sure they would want us to honor that time on Earth by nourishing others.

Honestly, finding donors isn’t hard at all. You’d be amazed what people agree to everyday without reading the fine print. Every time you click “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions,” you’re basically one digital signature away from surrendering an appendage. In fact, it may already be too late…

Relax, you can keep your fingers this time. When I ask for a hand in the kitchen this Halloween, it’ll be to help arrange crackers around my Severed Hand Charcuterie. The horror is strictly skin deep; beneath the macabre exterior is a rich, creamy cheese ball loaded with smoky vegan bacon, pimentos, and a generous crack of black pepper. Salty ribbons of vegan prosciutto add another savory layer while giving the illusion of exposed muscle tissue, and sliced almond fingernails provide a subtle crunch, with a perfect manicure.

Since the presentation is the real feature here, I took a shortcut by using store-bought vegan cream cheese for the base. If you want to start from scratch, knock yourself out! You can also use any recipe for a vegan cheese ball instead; just make sure you end up with at least two cups of some soft vegan cheese material or else you’ll have to make a tiny baby hand. Conversely, if you’d like to make it even easier, you can snag some packaged vegan prosciutto, or any comparable cold cuts, shredded into strips.

No matter how you feel about eating animals, or humans, you’ll want to take a big slice out of this one.

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