Can vegans be cannibals? I think so. It’s not a question about flesh so much as it is ethics. Is there an ethical way to eat a human? Sure; humans can consent. Thus, theoretically, if a person said, “yes, please, you can eat my hand,” that hand is now vegan.
Don’t act like you’re shocked now. I’ve already relished meaty slices of feet, a bloody heart pulsing with flavor, and thick schmears of brain on toast. If anything, I think we have a strong moral imperative to eat our fellow human, considering how wasteful it is to let otherwise good meat rot in the ground, to say nothing of the environmental impacts. If they’ve lived a long, good life and I’m sure they would want us to honor that time on Earth by nourishing others.
Honestly, finding donors isn’t hard at all. You’d be amazed what people agree to everyday without reading the fine print. Every time you click “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions,” you’re basically one digital signature away from surrendering an appendage. In fact, it may already be too late…
Relax, you can keep your fingers this time. When I ask for a hand in the kitchen this Halloween, it’ll be to help arrange crackers around my Severed Hand Charcuterie. The horror is strictly skin deep; beneath the macabre exterior is a rich, creamy cheese ball loaded with smoky vegan bacon, pimentos, and a generous crack of black pepper. Salty ribbons of vegan prosciutto add another savory layer while giving the illusion of exposed muscle tissue, and sliced almond fingernails provide a subtle crunch, with a perfect manicure.
Since the presentation is the real feature here, I took a shortcut by using store-bought vegan cream cheese for the base. If you want to start from scratch, knock yourself out! You can also use any recipe for a vegan cheese ball instead; just make sure you end up with at least two cups of some soft vegan cheese material or else you’ll have to make a tiny baby hand. Conversely, if you’d like to make it even easier, you can snag some packaged vegan prosciutto, or any comparable cold cuts, shredded into strips.
No matter how you feel about eating animals, or humans, you’ll want to take a big slice out of this one.
Continue reading “In Good Hands”