Tag: party

Roach Motel

Moving out of my apartment and into a home has been the best thing I’ve ever done. After 2 1/2 years of playing house, it truly feels like my sanctuary. The backyard erupts with wildflowers and untamable sage every summer, drawing butterflies in the day and fireflies at night. The rooms have graciously accommodated my belongings, new and old, never becoming cramped, despite my proclivity for collecting dishes and plates. It has its flaws and quirks, but don’t we all? In my eyes, it’s perfect. Well… Almost perfect.

Compared to the “visitors” I’ve experienced in previous abodes, the occasional intrusion of insects is barely worth mentioning. We all live in the same world out there, seeking shelter, and I’m quite flattered that they find mine every bit as appealing. I do my best to usher out the flies and roly-polies, while I’ll always welcome my helpful little spiders, keeping the corners clear of smaller prey. It’s the cockroaches that make my heart stop.

Scuttling about at the break of dawn like shadows urgently escaping the light’s glare, I’d almost prefer not to cross their paths, merely accepting their unseen presence. It’s when they get a bit too comfortable and stick around that we have trouble.

I know full well that after humans are gone, cockroaches will remain. These creatures are far stronger than me so I try to avoid a fight. Unfortunately, they’ve mistaken my peaceful disposition as an open invitation, multiplying with a speed that could put rabbits to shame. One begets two, two become ten, ten….

My home is still my safe space. It’s simply theirs now, too.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)8 Comments

Horrors D’Oeuvres

The only thing scarier than a late-night dinner party with people you don’t know is a late-night dinner party with people you don’t know and no snacks.

Thirty minutes have passed, awkwardly idling around the periphery of the room, surreptitiously searching for a table of small bites, to no avail. It’s already past the usual dinner hour and you swear you can hear your stomach growling louder than the low din of the crowd. No on else seems troubled, though. Are the other guests not suffering from the same hunger? Could it be that they’ve already fed, on something more nefarious than cheese and crackers? It’s best not to ask.

Contemplating a silent escape back out into the darkness, a platter materializes from the shadows. It arrives almost as if summoned, carried through the room by an unseen hand. No one else seems to notice, but the time for restraint has long passed. If you have to take the first, and at this rate, the last bite, so be it. Every passing minute without food feels like another minute closer to death.

Looking down at the bruschetta perched atop a stiff napkin, perhaps its already too late. Luminous like an apparition against the backdrop of jet-black beluga lentils, those thick slabs of feta look otherworldly. Are those cavernous eyes peering back at you? A gaping, cavernous mouth screaming out in the void?

No, get a grip, you’re just hungry. Best to graciously accept and eat your appetizer and stop overthinking. It’s not the raucous Halloween party you expected, though you have to say, it’s surprisingly spirited nonetheless.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)6 Comments

In Good Hands

Can vegans be cannibals? I think so. It’s not a question about flesh so much as it is ethics. Is there an ethical way to eat a human? Sure; humans can consent. Thus, theoretically, if a person said, “yes, please, you can eat my hand,” that hand is now vegan.

Don’t act like you’re shocked now. I’ve already relished meaty slices of feet, a bloody heart pulsing with flavor, and thick schmears of brain on toast. If anything, I think we have a strong moral imperative to eat our fellow human, considering how wasteful it is to let otherwise good meat rot in the ground, to say nothing of the environmental impacts. If they’ve lived a long life, I’m sure they would want us to honor that time on Earth by nourishing others.

Honestly, finding donors isn’t hard at all. You’d be amazed what people agree to everyday without reading the fine print. Every time you click “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions,” you’re basically one digital signature away from surrendering an appendage. In fact, it may already be too late…

Relax, you can keep your fingers this time. When I ask for a hand in the kitchen this Halloween, it’ll be to help arrange crackers around my Severed Hand Charcuterie. The horror is strictly skin deep; beneath the macabre exterior is a rich, creamy cheese ball loaded with smoky vegan bacon, pimentos, and a generous crack of black pepper. Salty ribbons of vegan prosciutto add another savory layer while giving the illusion of exposed muscle tissue, and sliced almond fingernails provide a subtle crunch, with a perfect manicure.

Since the presentation is the real feature here, I took a shortcut by using store-bought vegan cream cheese for the base. If you want to start from scratch, knock yourself out! You can also use any recipe for a vegan cheese ball instead; just make sure you end up with at least two cups of some soft vegan cheese material or else you’ll have to make a tiny baby hand. Conversely, if you’d like to make it even easier, you can snag some packaged vegan prosciutto, or any comparable cold cuts, shredded into strips.

No matter how you feel about eating animals, or humans, you’ll want to take a big slice out of this one.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)4 Comments

Meat Me In The Forest

Trees, barren and spindly, arms outstretched towards an empty sky, crowd in as if woven together. The trail begins to disappear, overtaken by their snaking roots. Darkness descends with a menacing weight, as each footstep takes you further and further from anything recognizable. Only thorns and sharp edges, throwing elbows to the face, welcome the intrusion. There’s no turning back because there’s no backwards or forwards at all. Only…

Abruptly, through the probing branches, lies a clearing with the moon beaming down a haunting spotlight. At the center stands a magnificent tree unlike all the others, charcoal bark ringed and lined with age, its limbs twisted like sourdough pretzels. More startling than the appearance of the tree itself, however, is was what hangs from it.

Cured meats.

Prosciutto, salami, pancetta, and pepperoni, perfumed with aromatic oils and glistening in the dappled light. Cheese cubes and lurid green olives beamed from the ends, skewered in place. It was a… Charcu-tree.

Tentatively stepping closer, lured in as if snared by an invisible fishing reel, it becomes clear that the smooth, round stones underneath are in fact, nothing of the sort. Picking one up, its becomes clear that this is a delicate rice cracker, toasted to a nutty, tawny brown finish, speckled lightly with sesame seeds. It’s impossible to put down, implausible to look away. Wouldn’t it be better to cover it with one of these cold cuts, waving so beguiling in the gentle breeze? But now that looks lonely with just one meaty strip, don’t you think? Go ahead, help yourself to a bit of cheddar, a briny olive; just a bit more wouldn’t hurt.

As long as you don’t plan on leaving this forest alive.

To make your own charcu-tree, all you need is a decorative plastic tree, or if you’re feeling industrious, a very clean branch from outside, stood upright in floral foam. Select 2 – 4 vegan cold cuts and drape them decoratively over the branches, tearing them into strips or shorter pieces as needed. Cut 1 – 2 vegan cheese blocks into cubes and skewer them on the ends. Finish with Castelvetrano olives skewered onto any remaining vacancies. Sprinkle crackers around the base and allow guests to assemble their own snacks, if they dare.

Hannah (BitterSweet)9 Comments

Brain-Eating Vegan Zombies

Legend has it that vegan zombies only eat grains, making them less of a threat to humanity than conventional omnivores. That may be true of the old-school undead, but times have changed. If we can have nearly identical analogues for steak and seafood, why wouldn’t we be able to upgrade to plant-based brains, too?

This decadent brain food pâté is scary delicious. Creamy, firm but spreadable, buttery and subtly savory, brains are a delicacy unlike any other. The addition of blood-red sriracha on top introduces a spicy, tangy element that makes it truly irresistible. Heat from the chili peppers and acidity from the vinegar play off the richness of the brainy base. You might end up fighting the zombies off to go back for seconds and thirds yourself.

What Are Brain Foods?

Brain food pate is more than just a fun Halloween party starter; it has real brain-boosting nutrition behind it! A varied diet is key for reaping the greatest nutritional rewards, but certain foods in particular have been shown to have a greater impact on our cognitive abilities, such as understanding and processing new information, plus maintaining memory and concentration. This pate isn’t just brainy in appearance, but a smart choice for your health!

  • Nuts and Seeds: Walnuts are particularly beneficial in this category, packed with protein and omega fatty acids. Protein builds brain cells, amino acids help them communicate, and omega fatty acids keep things humming.
  • Beans: All legumes are like the support crew for your brain, supplying fiber, B vitamins, and those omega fatty acids. Fiber offers steady energy, B vitamins aid memory, and omega fatty acids keep your brain sharp.
  • Beets: These earthy root vegetables fight inflammation, pack in antioxidants, and amp up blood flow, all of which help boost brainpower.

For those who want to take brain-boosting nutrition to the next level, alongside delicious dishes like this pâté, check out these brain and body supplements from Performance Lab. They feature clean formulas with key nutrients such as plant-based omega-3s and advanced vitamins and minerals asan easy way to support cognitive function, in addition to a smart diet.

Big Brain Ideas and Adaptations

There’s a wide range of brains out there; big, small, sweet, and bitter. Use your own intellect to customize shapes and flavors to your own personal preferences.

  • Nut-free: Swap the walnuts for sunflower seeds. If you want an even more haunting color, add a pinch of baking soda to turn those seeds green!
  • Not spicy: For the more timid of palate, feel free to omit the sriracha and serve your brains plain, or use mild cocktail sauce instead.
  • Hip to be square: If you need a less gruesome presentation for the office potluck or a less appropriate holiday, like Christmas or Hannukah, set the pate in a simple square baking dish, rather than a brain jello mold.

Serving Suggestions

Don’t be a halfwit by serving up brains with no accoutrements.

  • Something as simple as crackers and vegetable crudites will do just fine.
  • Soft bread would also be a welcome foundation for this schmear, enjoyed solo or turned into a fully stacked sandwich.
  • Briny pickles, such as cornichons (small cucumbers), cocktail onions, or pickled peppers help balance the richness of the pâté with contrast acidity and crunch.
  • Serve up slabs of brain on salad plates for a formal first course, nestled into mixed greens to provide a crisp, refreshing element.
  • Wine pairing are always welcome, particularly a crisp white wine, a light rosé, or a sparkling champagne to cleanse the palate between bites. Contrary to popular belief, a nice Chianti would be quite overpowering.

Vegan zombie fam, I’ve got you this Halloween. Stop settling for bland grains, when you can have genuine brains in all their glory. It’s simply a smarter choice for your health and happiness.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)10 Comments