Tag: halloween

Meat Me In The Forest

Trees, barren and spindly, arms outstretched towards an empty sky, crowd in as if woven together. The trail begins to disappear, overtaken by their snaking roots. Darkness descends with a menacing weight, as each footstep takes you further and further from anything recognizable. Only thorns and sharp edges, throwing elbows to the face, welcome the intrusion. There’s no turning back because there’s no backwards or forwards at all. Only…

Abruptly, through the probing branches, lies a clearing with the moon beaming down a haunting spotlight. At the center stands a magnificent tree unlike all the others, charcoal bark ringed and lined with age, its limbs twisted like sourdough pretzels. More startling than the appearance of the tree itself, however, is was what hangs from it.

Cured meats.

Prosciutto, salami, pancetta, and pepperoni, perfumed with aromatic oils and glistening in the dappled light. Cheese cubes and lurid green olives beamed from the ends, skewered in place. It was a… Charcu-tree.

Tentatively stepping closer, lured in as if snared by an invisible fishing reel, it becomes clear that the smooth, round stones underneath are in fact, nothing of the sort. Picking one up, its becomes clear that this is a delicate rice cracker, toasted to a nutty, tawny brown finish, speckled lightly with sesame seeds. It’s impossible to put down, implausible to look away. Wouldn’t it be better to cover it with one of these cold cuts, waving so beguiling in the gentle breeze? But now that looks lonely with just one meaty strip, don’t you think? Go ahead, help yourself to a bit of cheddar, a briny olive; just a bit more wouldn’t hurt.

As long as you don’t plan on leaving this forest alive.

To make your own charcu-tree, all you need is a decorative plastic tree, or if you’re feeling industrious, a very clean branch from outside, stood upright in floral foam. Select 2 – 4 vegan cold cuts and drape them decoratively over the branches, tearing them into strips or shorter pieces as needed. Cut 1 – 2 vegan cheese blocks into cubes and skewer them on the ends. Finish with Castelvetrano olives skewered onto any remaining vacancies. Sprinkle crackers around the base and allow guests to assemble their own snacks, if they dare.

Hannah (BitterSweet)9 Comments

Red Rum

Night fell in layers, each one heavier than the last, the overhead sky black as spilled ink overhead. Thunder cracked like a shotgun as I pulled the cake from the oven, its intoxicating aroma curling through the air, whispering sweet secrets all through the house. Somehow sinister, with a boozy undertone, it clung to the air like ghosts to a grudge.

Red velvet cake has a dark side, you know. It’s not all cheery hues of crimson, especially when you take a more natural approach. Baked as a bundt, it takes the shape of a crown, denoting where it falls in the cake hierarchy, or so it would like to believe. Hard edges fall away to dense, moist crumb within, scented with rum, cocoa, and vanilla, luminously red as freshly spilled blood.

Though tame compared to the edible gore of previous years, the wickedly vivid, high-gloss drizzle turned out even better than expected. While it sets to an almost invisible gloss around each crenelation, it bleeds into the cake’s center with theatrical flair. Slice right away and you’ll have a glistening scarlet pool that spills onto the plate.

Pair thick, soft slices with jet black coffee or spiced cider, though it really comes alive alongside a dark rum cocktail, echoing the warmth that hides just beneath its brooding exterior. It has a haunting warmth that burns low and slow; comforting, but also cautionary. Too much of it, and things start to blur around the edges.

All work and no play makes for a dull baker. When I invite you to indulge, I don’t just mean in sugar and flour. Bake something that stains the plate red. Bake something that bites back.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)13 Comments

Buckle Up, Peanut Butter Cup

Homemade Halloween candy is fun and all, but let’s be honest: there’s not a single trick-or-treater on the streets getting that kind of plunder. This stuff, the good stuff, is reserved for more appreciative palates. Let’s cut to the chase and make a treat just for us older children here. No finicky caramelization, no individual wrappers, just a supersized version of a classic that doesn’t hold back.

Hauntingly Delicious

Year after year, polls show that peanut butter cups are the runaway favorite candy for little goblins and gremlins to nab on their sugar-crazed stroll. Taking the #1 spot for at least 40 states, that’s the most unanimous vote to come from the US since George Washington’s election. Riding the coattails of that cult classic, my jumbo Crunchy Peanut Butter Cup Torte is intentionally designed to hit all those same crowd-pleasing, nostalgic flavor notes in a more shareable format.

At least, I really hope you’ll share. If a sleeve of standard cups could send the average child into a sugar-induced frenzy for a solid hour, more than one slice could rocket them straight to the moon. Dark chocolate ganache helps temper the sweetness, capping off a center of buttery peanut mousse, creating a dangerously balanced duo that could lure unsuspecting eaters into overindulgence. Crunchy peanut butter effortlessly adds a contrasting textural element to make every bite seem novel and exciting, only adding to the risk. Maybe I should have called it “Peanut Butter Peril Pie” instead? Catchy, yes, but descriptive, not so much.

A Slice Of Life

Classic peanut butter cups deserve that hat tip in the title. Beyond the helpful reference point, it’s hard to imagine Halloween without them. That said, hand out whatever you want for those wretched door knockers (potatoes are surprisingly popular, too); save these slices for the real party.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)7 Comments

Terribly Toothsome

Sitting at the dinner table, surrounded by the familiar chatter of family, it’s the start of another ordinary meal. Your plate, piled high with a vibrant green salad, glistens under the soft tungsten light. As you reach for a forkful of crisp lettuce, a sudden jolt of panic shoots through you. Your teeth feel loose, wobbling precariously inside your mouth, as the urge to clench your jaw intensifies. With a sickening crunch, like a bolt out of the blue, your front tooth snaps off, leaving a gaping hole in your fading smile.

Horror washes over you as you examine the broken tooth, its white enamel glistening on the ceramic plate. Your heart races as you realize the nightmare has only just begun. One by one, tooth after tooth tumbles down, leaving a mouthful of jagged stumps in their wake. The once-inviting salad now seems like a grotesque mockery, its vibrant colors marred with the shrapnel of ruined molars and canines.

Desperation grips you as you try to salvage the meal, but every bite is a painful reminder of your crumbling reality. The lettuce sticks to your toothless gums, the dressing drips down your chin, and the once-familiar taste of food is now a bitter, metallic sensation.

The room around you fades into darkness, replaced by a cacophony of screams and the echoing sound of your own teeth clattering to the ground. You are alone in this nightmare, trapped in a world where even the simplest act of eating is a terrifying ordeal.

For anyone wishing to recreate this delightful nightmare for their friends, these “teeth” are easily made using your favorite vegan mozzarella or provolone recipe, set in a realistic human teeth mold. Go forth and terrify.

Hannah (BitterSweet)6 Comments

Be Still My Bleeding Heart

Given that there are over 70 organs in the human body, each playing a vital role in health and wellness, a strikingly disproportionate amount of attention is paid to the heart. I could easily name 50 songs about hearts off the top of my head but only one about the pancreas. Don’t even get me started about the number of idioms and common heartfelt sayings.

I’ve personally been told that I have a good heart, a kind heart, and a big heart, but I can assure you, it’s completely unremarkable, no different than anyone else’s. Here, let me show you.

Eat Your Heart Out

They say that vegans can’t be cannibals but it’s all about consent for me. I’d happily offer my heart on a platter to the right person, and that’s certainly not cruel. Perhaps I show my love differently than most? At least I make my affection obvious.

Grand gestures aside, my heart really is delicious, if I do say so myself. Velvety braised red cabbage, shallot, and apple intertwine in a sweet and savory gel, firm and sliceable, perfect for serving atop a leafy salad. Whole fennel and coriander seeds add a bright, aromatic kick, of course, but also a delightfully unsettling crunch every now and then.

Bloody Good

Beets are great for reducing blood pressure, don’t you know? Perhaps that explains this blood red beet velouté running through my veins. Buttery, silky smooth, with ample umami and a surprising kick of spice, it’s rich enough to spoon up like soup. In fact, a double batch of blood with diced heart would make for a delightful hot stew.

Eat To Your Heart’s Content

Perhaps the heart looms large in our imaginations because it’s actually this delicious, and we’re all just afraid to find out. Well, here’s your chance: Indulge your darkest desires and serve yourself a hearty portion. I promise you’ll love it.

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Hannah (BitterSweet)2 Comments