Trash Talk

Sometimes you just feel like hot garbage. Other times, you feel like eating hot garbage.

Wait, stay with me here!

Good Garbage

Though I’ve long been an outspoken proponent of eating trash, salvaging scraps and otherwise wasted food, I’m talking about something else entirely here. “Garbage” is a term used more liberally in this case, as a flippant descriptor of such an unapologetically messy, overloaded pile of fried potatoes. Not every meal needs to be gorgeous to have instant appeal. It’s perfect for when comfort food cravings become increasingly urgent, overriding any concerns about sticky fingers or hot sauce stains.

My hot garbage fries were inspired by the silly little plastic trash can vessel, to be perfectly honest, but probably work even better on a plate. Every crispy plank of fluffy fried potato should be saturated with the mess on top; a creamy, spicy sauce, meatless steak, crunchy onions, and sliced jalapeƱos for a final fiery bite. The combination is so simple, so obvious, that it feels redundant to write out a full recipe… And yet, it does serve as a helpful reminder that yes, it is precisely that simple and obvious.

Make Your Own Mess

Use this blueprint to build your own French fry dumpster fire upon. A few quick and easy swaps include:

  • Vegan Steak: As a luxury item, this isn’t one I often have on hand either. Any beef-like plant-based protein works beautifully (or sloppily?) here, such as crumbled veggie burgers, chopped seitan, meatless grounds, or even old fashioned TVP chunks.
  • Yellow Onion: Some people don’t appreciate the raw edge of an uncooked onion, and while they’re wrong, that’s okay. Use sliced scallions or chives for the same allium essence, minus the harsh sinus stinging.
  • Cilantro: Similarly, some poor souls process the flavor of cilantro as being akin to soap. My condolences. Either omit it or try using fresh basil for a flavorful change of pace.
  • JalapeƱos: If you want to really pump up the heat, opt for peppers that fall high on the Scoville scale, such as serranos, habaneros, or scotch bonnets. Proceed with caution!

Trash is Cash

Next time you’re having a trashy day, don’t fight it. Lean into the hot mess with an equally chaotic, disorderly, and satisfyingly sloppy pile of hot garbage fries. If it’s so bad that you need a good cry, you can always blame the hot peppers, too.

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Risk It For The Brisket

Brisket, historically a cheap cut of tough, barely edible meat, has come to be revered by aficionados across the globe. Some call it the “holy grail” of Jewish food, especially when the holiday season rolls around, and even more so when you factor in the difficulty of veganizing such a time-honored culinary tradition. Given the scrutiny placed on such an important centerpiece, it’s one I’ve never even felt capable of attempting.

Until now.

Brisket: A Celebratory Centerpiece

Growing up, Hanukkah dinner meant extra-crispy latkes, two or three types of homemade applesauce, and a heaping serving of brisket, cut into slick slabs that fell apart on the plate, dripping with juice. It was a point of honor when my Nana, the matriarch of meat, passed the torch to my own mother by sharing her secret recipe. The secret being powdered onion soup mix and lots of time. Three hours in the oven, an overnight rest, and then however long it takes to slowly, gently reheat the roast for the festive meal. There’s just not much to it besides meat and onions; every ingredient counts.

On that note at least, the same can be said for my plant-based rendition, a distinct departure from the beef-soaked ghost of holidays past. Where most vegan brisket recipes fail is by using just a big hunk of seitan, meaty but monotonous, without the distinct shredded texture of dissolved sinew cut against the grain, cooked into velvety submission. After the great success of my drumsticks, I knew I had the answer: finely shredded Sugimoto shiitake caps, blending into a matrix of seitan and meaty seasonings, the way to go.

Tasteful Textures

Moreover, this grand roast employs jackfruit and fresh enoki mushrooms to enhance that illusion, adding ample umami and a satisfying bite all the while. It’s a production compared to your average meatloaf, but it still takes less time than the original article. Since there’s no pesky cartilage to break down, you can slash the cooking time in half. Of course, there’s the added benefit of having no pesky cartilage in the first place.

Souped Up Supper

Onion soup mix is still an essential ingredient, but not in the same way as before. Skip the packaged blends with loads of fillers and milk solids; Sugimoto shiitake powder creates an incredibly rich, rounded depth of flavor alongside dried onion flakes, which you can buy ready-made or dehydrate yourself. This could be a stand-alone pantry staple for making instant chip dips, rice pilaf, more flavorful burgers, elevated vegetables, and, to state the obvious, soup.

A Brief Brisket Primer

Brisket means many things to many people, but at its core, simply refers to a prime cut of beef. Jewish brisket is made of the same stuff as Texan brisket; the difference is in the cooking. Texan brisket is the crowning achievement of any pit master, the litmus test determining their ability. Deeply smoked from a low and slow process that can take anywhere from 18 to 24 hours, each bite is intense and heady. Sometimes it comes crusted in a highly spiced rub, or slathered in BBQ sauce, lacquered with that sweet, tangy, spicy finish. Jewish brisket, on the other hand, sometimes called pot roast (especially if made in a slow cooker) is baked, braised, stewed, or slow-cooked for 3 to 6 hours in a flavorful liquid with plenty of onions. Always, always, lot of onions.

If you wanted to take this Jewish-style brisket and make into a barbecue feast, simply increase the liquid smoke to 2 teaspoons and brush it liberally with your favorite BBQ sauce 15 minutes before it’s done baking, and then once more right out of the oven. Or, if you happen to have an actual smoker, do your magic with the roast as is.

Brisket Tips and Tricks

This is not a quick-fix meal; never has been, never will be. Part of what makes it so special is how much time and care it takes to come to fruition. The most important piece of advice I can give you for making a meatless brisket is to have patience, plan ahead, and relish the leftovers. Prep and bake the brisket the day before, so all you need to do is reheat it for the big event. It only gets better as it sits, becoming more tender and intensely flavorful. Leftovers keep beautifully in the fridge for at least a week, and can be frozen for around 6 months. That is, if you’re lucky enough to save a few pieces. It may look like a beast of a roast, but trust me, it disappears fast.

Brisket isn’t just for Hanukkah. It’s a prime guest of honor at any important gathering, from Passover to Thanksgiving, birthdays to summer barbecues. Finally, with a genuinely meatless option that might even make my great-grandparents proud, there’s even more to celebrate.

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Garlic Breath

Be it a delicate broth or thick stew, nothing completes a steaming bowlful like a hearty slice of bread. Crackling crust giving way to a spongy matrix of soft crumbs, each bite melts into submission when dipped into the soup of the day. Sometimes the soup is merely a thinly veiled excuse to reach for another helping of bread, so compellingly that fresh loaf does beckon.

Garlic Bread Soup: Quick Comfort In A Bowl

Let’s just cut to the chase here and turn the bread into the soup itself, with a powerful blast of fresh garlic to up the ante. Save yourself the hassle of peeling the cloves by grabbing a bag of prepped garlic in advance, or going straight for a jar of minced, but don’t cut back on the full measure. Garlic bread lives or dies on the pungency of that stinking rose, and once lightly caramelized in peppery olive oil, all the harsh edges will soften.

Perhaps it’s not fodder for a first date, but this velvety smooth base is just the beginning to a whole different sort of love affair.

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