As deadlines loom and reviews pile up, the oven as been eerily quiet and cold. My ideas for new recipes continue to accumulate and grow by the day like overgrown weeds, and yet I don’t have a minute to cut it down to size. Luckily, it seems that there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel, and the manuscript is just over a week away from the printer. Everyone needs to take a break every now and then, so with the finish line now in sight, I figured it was only fair to dive into some of the luscious summer produce I had been spying at the market and make it into a suitable decadent dessert. Although my wish list for exotic and unusual fruit could fill a novel, I settled upon the first rare delicacy I could find: Kiwis.
True, they are certainly not unheard of or quite so esoteric these days, but it’s still hard for me to hunt them down locally. Having had such little experience with them, I figured something fairly basic would be a good place to start, so a simply kiwi tart it was. Out came the sturdy ceramic tart pan and I wasted no time prepping the fruits. Slicing carefully and admiring their lurid green flesh, flecked with the deep black seeds, the world around me disappeared. The sound of the knife filled my head, cleaving smoothly through the firm fruit, tapping quietly and rhythmically like a metronome as it hit the cutting board. Each cut slice glistened with juice, seeming to sparkle in the light, and I could only feel what a wondrous thing it was to be back in the kitchen again. Losing myself in the moment so completely, who knows what sort of craziness must have occurred during this mental vacation, because there was one shocking sight awaiting me when I looked up.
A kiwi! And not the fruits that I had just been admiring, but the national bird of New Zealand! Sitting right there in my tart pan like it was ready to go in the oven along with the fruit of its namesake, I could write volumes about how wrong this whole scene was. Watching me prep ingredients as if it were as distant as a cooking show on tv, the little guy seemed not the least bit bothered by its uncomfortable-looking seat or proximity to a human with a knife. As a typically shy, nocturnal bird found only halfway across the world, there was simply no conceivable explanation!
This development certainly threw a wrench in my baking plans, to say the least. Off went the oven, away went the flour and sugar. Not wanting to evict my curious guest from the former baking dish, it didn’t look like there would be any tarts to be made today. At a loss of words, the only course of action I could think of was to offer him a slice of the cut fruit… Which he gladly accepted, to my relief. Munching happily as if this were all the most normal thing in the world, I can’t help but wonder if I’m losing my mind. Truly, if only I could understand any of this, my dear readers… But perhaps it’s just an indication that I had better get more sleep instead of shirking deadlines by baking!
I know that these bizarre flightless birds do have quite a few fans out there who would love to get as close to these marvels as I did… But since I have no clue how it all happened, the best I can do is give you a pattern to make your own!
Body:
With size 6 DPNs and rust colored worsted weight yarn, CO 3 and distribute them evenly among the needles
Kfb into each st (6 sts)
Kfb into each st (12 sts)
K each st
K1, kfb* around (18 sts)
K each st
K2, kfb* around (24 sts)
K each st
K3, kfb* around (30 sts)
K each st for 5 rounds
K3, k2tog* around (24 sts)
K each st for 2 rounds
K2, k2tog* around (18 sts)
K each st
(Okay, here comes some short row shaping for the neck. W&t means “wrap and turn,” which you can learn how to do via this handy video)
K4, w&t, p6, w&t, k8, w&t, p10, w&t, k12, w&t, p14, w&t, k16, w&t, p10
(Whew! Still with me? Great, it’s all smooth sailing from here!)
K each st
K2, kfb* around (24 sts)
K3, kfb* around (30 sts)
K4, kfb* around (36 sts)
K5, kfb* around (42 sts)
K6, kfb* around (48 sts)
K7, kfb* around (54 sts)
K each st
K8, kfb* around (60 sts)
K each st for 20 rounds
-Insert safety eyes and stuff head lightly-
K8, k2tog* around (54 sts)
K7, k2tog* around (48 sts)
K6, k2tog* around (42 sts)
K5, k2tog* around (36 sts)
K4, k2tog* around (30 sts)
K3, k2tog* around (24 sts)
-Stuff body firmly-
K2, k2tog* around (18 sts)
K1, k2tog* around (12 sts)
K2tog* around (6 sts)
Break thread and draw it through the remains stitches, tying tight.
Beak:
Switching to size 5 DPNs and yellow worsted weight yarn, CO 3 st, distributing evenly on your needles
Kfb into each st (6 sts)
K each st around for 22 rounds
K1, kfb* around (9 sts)
K each st around
k2, kfb* around (12 sts)
K each st
BO and break yarn, leaving a sizable tail to sew with
Feet (Make 2):
With size 5 straight needles and the same yarn as used for the beak, CO 25 sts
K each st
BO 5 sts, k to end
K to end, CO 5 sts
BO 5 sts, k to end
K to end, CO 5
K each st
CO, leaving a long tail
To Assemble: First take one foot and weave the long tail back through the 5 sts of the toe. Fold the leg in half and use that length of yarn to sew the long edges together, forming a long tube for the leg. Repeat with the other foot piece. Sew each leg to the bottom of the bird body and tie tightly, weaving in ends when satisfied with the placement. Lightly stuff the wide opening of the beak, and sew to bird face. Just weave in those ends and you’re ready to have plenty of your own bizarre adventures!