One Bad Egg

Grocery shopping at my local rinky-dink super market is more often an exercise in frustration than an opportunity to acquire the new, inspiring ingredients I yearn for. Forget about finding esoteric ingredients like lychees or even enoki mushrooms- This store doesn’t even stock the humble vanilla bean with regularity! Don’t bother asking the employees about the possibility of special orders or simply diversifying their offerings either, because they are so completely incompetent that they can barely keep track of their selection as it is. Case in point, not too long ago there was one particularly disturbing incident in which the cashier was mystified by the fuzzy orange spheres I presented to him, that he couldn’t even figure out what they were. Explaining that those oddities were apricots of all things only complicated matters, as to his knowledge, apricots were only dried. Can you imagine, little shriveled up fruits growing on the tree, pre-dried…? …I still have nightmares about this one.

But I digress. Managing to escape with a few odds and ends that are potentially edible, you would think that the whole ordeal is over, but you would be painfully mistaken. Countless times have I arrived home feeling triumphant, only to discover that choice purchases were missing from my brown paper bags, overlooked by those helpful workers and left carelessly on the belt.

Even weirder yet is when items that had never once entered my cart end up mixed in with my other acquisitions. Sometimes this actually turns out to be a pleasant bonus, one which I graciously accept as an apology for the typically dismal service. Other times, however, I feel like this store just has it in for me.

That’s right- Sifting through my unassuming bag of groceries, my hands suddenly exhumed a carton of a half dozen eggs. What an insult! What a horror! …What on Earth was I to do with them? Go back and return them, explaining that they mysteriously appeared amidst my other belongings? No, that wouldn’t do, lest I desired the label of either a thief or a mental patient.

Staring vacantly at the white styrofoam in a confused stupor, the moral implications of it all weighed heavily on my mind. I absently reached out and flipped the lid in attempts to focus my thoughts on the situation at had, hoping that the sight of its contents would make the answer clear. Peering cautiously inside, it took only a moment to realize that these were no normal “farm-fresh” eggs.

The fact that one had broken in transport was the most mundane thing about them- Each one was lively as could be, entertaining a personality all their own, instantly becoming animated as soon as their eyes met mine. As if I ever needed another excuse to abstain from eating eggs, seeing the life and energy that they exuded would have been enough to turn even a hardcore carnivore into a vegan!

Sitting in the front row was the sad broken egg, yolk exposed to the air without a cushion to protect it from the harsh outside world. Immediately to its right sat a very concerned-looking friend, clearly riddled with anxiety about his neighbor’s recent break.

Just one row back though, those two characters nestled comfortably into their indentations carried on with their boisterous shenanigans, oblivious to the drama just a hair’s width away from them. I couldn’t be sure exactly what sort of exchange was occurring between them, but I could tell that whatever joke was just told was wearing thin, but the joker just keep egging the other on. (Forgive me for the awful pun, I couldn’t resist!)

Of course, in the very back the final two were even more clueless, grinning away without a care in the world. I loved how upbeat this pair was, although it was rather unfortunate that they were so completely disconnected with the other residents of the carton. All the same, the scene of destruction in front and petty annoyance in the middle seemed justifiably unimportant with these two friendly faces greeting me warmly.

Well, if I had hoped to avoid being deemed mentally unfit by returning eggs that weren’t mine, then this sight was really the last thing that might have saved me. All the same, I now know what to do with them: Like any other living thing, these guys deserve love and a good home, and I’m more than happy to provide that for them. I would normally be very much against keeping an animal product like eggs here, but for these… I think I can make an exception to the rule. Vegan-friendly eggs are such a unique and wonderful thing that I couldn’t very well keep them all to myself; Break out your hook and yarn, because now you guys can have your own egg-buddies as well!

Whole Egg (Make 5):

With white worsted weight yarn and an E hook, sc6 in circle
Sc1, sc twice into next stitch* around (9)
Sc around
Sc2, sc twice into next stitch* around (12)
Sc3, sc twice into next stitch* around (15)
Sc around
Sc4, sc twice into next stitch* around (18)
Sc5, sc twice into next stitch* around (21)
Sc around for 3 rounds
Sc5, sc2tog* around (18)
Sc1, sc2tog* around (12)
Sc around
-Embroider and stuff firmly-
Sc2tog* around (6)

Break yarn and gather remaining sts together, pull tight and tie it off.

Broken Egg Shell:

Sc6 in circle
Sc twice into each st (12)
Sc around
Sc1, sc twice into next st* around (18)
Sc5, sc twice into next st* around (21)
Sc3 times into one st, sl st twice* around

Break yarn and weave in ends.

Egg Yolk:

With yellow yarn, sc 7 in a circle
Sc twice into each (14)
Sc1, sc twice into next st* around (21)
Sc1, sc2tog* around (14)
Sc2tog around (7)

Break yarn, gather sts and tie tight.

No assembly required, just find a nice cozy carton to hold them in!